How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
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Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
#DesignFail
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Remember folks 😂
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.