Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them