Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
You Might Also Like
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME