Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
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If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?