please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
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Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
when someone rings the doorbell
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
no such thing as a dumb question
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.