Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
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Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When the stylist spins you back around
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.