Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
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My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.