[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
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Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
So the ex texted me
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.