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thinking about a very short hotdog
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
happy friday
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!