My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.