I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
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HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Found my door mat
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?