Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.