My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.