My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
You Might Also Like
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Tastes like chicken.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.