For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”