X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
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Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck