Wake me when AI does housework
You Might Also Like
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.