“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
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Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Awwwww shit.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
“you changed” bro i was 15
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along