GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
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Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
If you know, you know
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*