My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
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My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”