I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
WTF
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
This hospital has everything
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.