Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
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boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
The little toadstool has spoken.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn