I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
2022 be like
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I did not eat the cake…
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.