Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
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[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I am HOWLING at this
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
thanks auntie mary
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.