What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
You Might Also Like
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack