team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
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GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
who wore it better?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
This could be us… but you playing
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.