Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
You Might Also Like
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?