me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
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Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I hope they boil the right one.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?