why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
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What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?