Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
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My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.