My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
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I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory