My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
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Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Not today.. 😂
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.