Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
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My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.