After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
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It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Hero horse inspires millions
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.