Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
You Might Also Like
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend