My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
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The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
ready to be harvested
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.