When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
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[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…