[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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Today’s weather from Yorkshire
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person