Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
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Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Bros before Ohioes
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I don’t make the rules sorry
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted