IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
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Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Just me?
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.