craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I have so many questions.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant