Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
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Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Wait for it
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.