If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
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Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
🤣🤣
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said