Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
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Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
best first i’ve ever seen
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking