me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
You Might Also Like
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.