Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
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Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
adam and eve had first world problems
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??