cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
You Might Also Like
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet