i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
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me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah