If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.