If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
You had me at “define legal”.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
They’re the worst 😩